The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
