I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
