The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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