You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
