I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Randomize
