rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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