My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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