i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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