ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
