I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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