Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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