I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
She's the barista slut.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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