seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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