Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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