hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
