I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
