have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I need to sanitize my soul.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
