the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
