Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
