Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
