i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
my god I love twenty year old dicks
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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