My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
