So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
