I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
