Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
