When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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