hotel room ftw
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I think a kid would responsible me up
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
