i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
