I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
