everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
