My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
