tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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