I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
