Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
