I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
