There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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