never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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