Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
