hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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