i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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