Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
