I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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