my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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