I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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