Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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