I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
