i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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