he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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