i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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