Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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